Sparkling Angel
by Talz16
Summary: After Edward leaves her in New Moon, Bella is stricken with pain and loss. When she takes drastic measures to relieve the agony, will anyone be there to save her? EXB.
1. A Decision

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight, New Moon, etc. Or any of the material within them.

This takes place in New Moon, after Charlie confronts Bella about her state, Bella hears Edward's voice in Port Angeles, and Bella takes a trip to the Cullens' but is unsuccessful with hearing it again.

**Sparkling Angel – A New Moon Interlude**

I curled myself into a ball under the covers, thinking…

What had happened that night with Jessica had changed the rules. Well, more accurately, it had changed the game. For so many months all I had wanted was numbness – I had blocked out any infinitesimal reminder of _him_ as a bulwark, it was the only way to spare myself from the most unbearable pain of loss. And I had developed a pattern, lived my life according to my one goal, to avoid thinking of what had broken me at all costs… Sure I had kept up a somewhat faulty ruse of normalcy for Charlie's sake, but inside I was empty. A gaping chasm where love had once lived. I didn't mind though. The numbness was a fair trade for the absence of the horrific agony. Lack of sensation was a necessary accompaniment of my objective, both conscious and subconscious. For so long I had wanted nothing more than to feel nothing.

But then I had heard _his_ voice…

His angelic voice, clear as if he had been standing next to me on that street in Port Angeles. Velvet and honey, the most beautiful sound in the world, and he was protecting me… Okay, so odds were that I was going insane. At the very least it was some kind of wish fulfillment, granted to me by my warped psyche. Either way it was wrong. A delusion. A symptom of schizophrenia and other illness. Yet it changed everything in an instant because I realized, crazy or not, that life was not worth living without hearing his voice. And it was obvious to me then that this anesthetic method of living, even if it was my most basic form of self-preservation, could no longer continue. Because I had tasted the forbidden fruit. I had heard him growl at me angrily, warning me to stay out of danger's path. Heard him speak to me as if he really loved me…. And I desperately needed more.

But now that the barrier around him had been breached, and my goal had been changed, I was at a loss for how to continue. I would think of _him_, I supposed, and then deal with whatever misery ensued. Yes. That was the best course for now, at least…

Yet once I opened the floodgates of my memories, there was no way to censure, to repress or dilute; my thoughts and feelings ran free, and twisted and spiraled in disturbing paths. I thought of his cold, dead smile as he had ripped my heart in to pieces. Why? I thought desperately. I mean, I understood plainly that I was not, and never had been, good enough for him, but why had he allowed the charade to go on for so long? Why had he filled my life with false beliefs, with untrue words and empty hopes and dreams?

Still, I wasn't angry with him. How could I be when I loved him with every inch of my being? My love for him would not weaken over time, like the sieve that he had predicted. I knew that now. He was still very much the reason for my existence. But he wasn't mine anymore. Perhaps he never really was. I guess everything he told me was deceit, as well. He had said that he loved me, that he would stay with me. So many lies and broken promises…

It reminded me of my own promise, to keep myself safe. One that I had been clinging to with full devotion as it had been his last request of me. Stupid, really. Why was I bound to keep my end of the bargain when everything he had sworn to me had been shattered? _It will be as if I never existed._ Impossible. A promise doomed from its very inception. But he had asked me to stay safe, and he had seemed so sincere at that moment. He had been momentarily as passionate and caring as if he still loved me. _I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him._

Of course, not for Edward – I thought his name tentatively, approaching it as one approaches a venomous snake – but for Charlie. I needed to take care of myself so my father would be spared more grief. My poor father. I had done nothing but hurt him, even with my greatest effort. I had truly put so much energy into pretending I was well for him, and he had seen right through it. A pointless waste. It was the one thing I had been extremely dedicated to doing for the past few months and it was completely futile… The hole in my chest throbbed painfully.

I tried to examine my position fairly. It was quite pathetic. Here I was keeping promises to a man who had cleaved my soul in two, suffering to keep up a charade which fooled no one, and worst of all, I felt like I was still drowning in the anguish of Edward's absence. As I thought of him again the pain lapped up around me and washed over me like a tidal wave. Desperately, urgently, I wanted this feeling to end. I really didn't know how I was still living; it felt like this amount of ache was surely fatal. So badly I needed to stop the pain. The numbness was far easier than this, but it was too late. I didn't know how to return to feeling nothing. I was no longer able to sequester my memories and love for Edward into the recesses of my mind. The images kept resurfacing at a rapid rate, assaulting me. Every one of our moments together…

_You are my life now… I love you… Be Safe… I wasn't going to live without you…_

And then they were shifting towards the end…

_We're leaving… You're not good for me… I won't come back…_

_**Goodbye, Bella…**_

STOP. Please. I can't! I can't do this, I wanted to scream. I realized I was gasping aloud, my sheets were twisted and damp with sweat. I needed to calm myself, to stop this before it got even worse… But what were my options? I didn't want this torture and I couldn't return to the numbness…

I also knew instinctively that I wanted to hear his voice; even at this moment, it was a need so fervent that I was beginning to ache for it. I wanted to fool myself into believing he cared for me. And I wanted to break my promise to him about keeping safe.

I was overwhelmed by the urge to be selfish. To do anything necessary to bring about what I wanted-no, needed, to end the pain, and attain my other desires. I knew it wasn't merely the déjà-vu aspect that activated the delusions, for my visit to the Cullen house had precipitated no similar experience. It must have been the danger I'd exposed myself to in that situation. The breaking of my promise that brought about his angry, silken voice in my mind…

A vague plan was emerging in my head. Perhaps it was time to truly break my promise. To shatter it like he had shattered his. I turned the idea over carefully in my mind, examining my life as objectively as possible. I was living, day by day, completely and totally without joy or purpose. I would never love again. At least, not in any way comparable to what I was capable of. All my friends had forgotten me. Not even Angela tried to talk to me anymore. I was inhuman, anyway. A zombie. A shadow of my former self.

My plan was becoming clearer, more focused as I scrutinized the facts. No one in the world needed me. Even to Charlie I was just a source of pain. He didn't need me. He had fended for himself without me for a long time before I had come, and he could do it again…

But most of all, what truly formed my decision was the recognition that Edward, that none of the Cullens were ever coming back for me. I was reminded of my recurring nightmare, of the dense forest, the endless searching until I realized every night – that there was nothing to search for, and nothing to find. That there never had been anything more than the empty, dreary wood, and there would never be anything more for me. Nothing but nothing… The life I had chosen was gone from me forever. The love of my life, the reason for my existence was never going to return to me. That he had never really loved me was hardly a factor. Even though on his behalf it was deceit, I knew that for me there was nothing as real as my love for Edward. Oh Edward…

And that was it. I had made my mind. I was going to smash my promise to pieces, end my pain, and, hopefully, hear Edward's voice in the process.

Tomorrow I was going to take my life.

**Author's Note:** It's going to get more exciting, I promise. Please tell me what you think! I have more to publish if you'd like me to...


	2. Refining Details

**Chapter 2 - Refining Details**

_Tomorrow I was going to take my life_

Yes, it was quite obvious now. I could hardly see another way to continue. I was never one for reexamining my decisions; once they were made, they were final, even if they were fatal. I remembered with a wince that the last time I had felt this kind of resigned resolve was when I'd decided to be with Edward, despite his danger. Again, this decision seemed solid, tenable, now that I'd considered everything. I mean it wasn't as if I could think of a future for myself. I hadn't –wouldn't apply to college. I had refused to leave this town – refused to give up my memory of Edward as indubitably as I had avoided encountering it.

What else could I do? Continue life, as a shadow of what I once was? No. The pain would end. The numbness would be over. And maybe, just maybe, if there was a heaven, I could be with him again one day. Yes. My life had been metaphorically over since he had left me; there was no purpose in delaying its physical termination. I would take my own life, the only question was how.

It was very strange contemplating bringing about my own demise. If anything had seemed abundant it was the various options for my death. In fact, my life had been in constant jeopardy for the past year or so. As Edward had said, my number was up the moment I met him… I cringed at the recollection.

But anyway, now that that particular danger had passed, and there were no other vampires, sadistic or friendly, around to aid me, I had to come up with another way to kill myself. I scoffed darkly. How rationally I could ponder my own suicide! It seemed like just another errand, like laundry or homework. But it was infinitely more urgent. Because more and more memories of my time with Edward were swimming around my head and I felt that soon my lungs would actually give out or my body would break into a million pieces from the agony – both of which seemed like painful ways to go. I'd much prefer something quick and timely.

I contemplated the various methods. I didn't think shooting myself was an option… I'd have to steal Charlie's gun, and then he'd probably blame himself for the entire thing… There were no buildings high enough to jump off of in Forks… and I also knew I didn't want everyone to see me, lying there in a gory mess, like some type of bloody spectacle...

Blood. The word resonated within me. _Blood_. That was the reason why everything had happened to me, wasn't it? My too appealing, cursed, God-forsaken blood. Edward's personal brand of heroine. A painful attraction for every vampire, including the Cullens. The fluid that marked me as a piece of human prey rather than an equal to his kind. The reason he had left me... My stupid, _stupid_ blood!

Suddenly I was struck by an image of the vile red liquid pouring out from my sliced wrists, flowing in graceful arcs from my severed veins. It was grotesquely poetic. Peculiarly fitting. But of course, I realized. My blood had caused me so much suffering; it was only fair that it should be drained from me in the end. It was ironic. The one thing Edward had always valued so dearly, that he had resisted taking from me, no matter the cost – and I was giving it away freely. I was throwing it away, actually. Deliberately, maybe even as vengeance. I wanted my blood gone from me. I supposed slitting my wrists should do the job.

I noticed, even as I visualized it, that it fit, but it was so… dramatic. Who would find me? And where, I wondered. I didn't want to do it in Charlie's house. It made me sick to think of him opening my bedroom door only to find my remnants. For a spit second I thought of the Cullens' home. But it was also a bad idea. If the Cullens ever returned – even 100 years from now, they would know what had happened. They might think I blamed them, when the truth was I didn't even blame Edward. I only blamed myself. I blamed myself for being too weak, for being blind to reality. I blamed myself for ever imagining that Edward and I had a future, and I blamed myself for being too frail to even cope with my mistakes now. I wasn't a complete idiot. I knew suicide was a cowardly choice – I just couldn't think of another way to handle it. I was utterly and irrevocably hooked on Edward, and since he was gone I was doomed to a very dark existence. An existence that I was, as of a few minutes ago, unwilling to continue to subject myself any longer.

Oh, how did this happen to me? How did I not see the truth for so long? I couldn't even regret it, though. My time with the Cullens was the very best part of my life – the climax, I supposed. The summit of the mountain from which I was currently falling.

Yes, I was falling. It felt like I had been falling off an eternal cliff even since he had left me that day in the woods. But now I was sure that soon I was going to reach the bottom.

The woods! Yes, why hadn't I realized that the woods were the perfect spot for my undoing. It was there, in that dense little patch of forest outside my home that my life had changed irreversibly, not once, but two separate times. It was in that same spot that I had both decided that I loved Edward regardless of his nature, and later recognized that he had not- could not love me in that same manner. It was the place I had resolved to be with him and the place where he had resolved not to be with me. Obviously, the location had a powerful significance for me. It was the locale of the two most important realizations of my life. It was an appropriate place to make the third.

Three decisions...Three irrevocable decisions… each revolving around Edward… each containing an epiphany of my personal weakness. Fitting.

I was astonished with the way all the pieces of my death were molding together perfectly, like pieces of a puzzle. Perhaps there was hope for me still. Perhaps my suicide was ordained by fate. Perhaps I would find comfort in dying and everything work out as seamlessly as my plans had thus far…

Yet what about the pain? I shuddered. I had always been able to deal sufficiently with physical pain, but I was not inherently masochistic. Would I have nothing to anesthetize the suffering? My death was not going to be quick and painless because of the method I chose. But even more frightening was the emotional pain I was bound to experience… the regret, the love…

I trembled with fear. No, there simply had to be another way. There had to be a means of numbing myself, at least temporarily…

Drugs.

My conscience seemed to whisper the word hoarsely in my ear.

_Drugs. _

I had never even contemplated illegal narcotics before. It was strange that even as I was preparing to die, something inside me flinched at the notion. It was against my very principles. I had qualms about taking liberal doses of cough syrup! Taking drugs to ease my suicide was… It was immoral. It was outrageous. It was… not a bad idea, I rationalized to myself.

Drugs, alcohol… these things were bad, aside from the health detriments, because they impaired your judgment, because they allowed your inhibitions to disappear and your scruples to fade into oblivion. Illegal substances were foolish because they induced foolish choices. However, my choice was already made. I was going to die, regardless. Drugs would simply assist me in the process… Drugs would desensitize me, allow me to end my life much more peaceably. Yes, I was beginning to like the idea more and more.

I had a rough idea of where to find the dealers nearby… I had seen the shady street corners by the edge of Port Angeles. I knew of the high-school dropouts who lingered there after sundown. I had my money, saved up pathetically towards a goal I'd never reach. I had my truck…

I could go right now...

**Author's note:** So what do you think, would you like me to keep going or not? I'm not sure if it's worth it... let me know. Thanks!


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